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he sleeps with his hand
in my hair,
long fingers tender.

i don’t ever sleep
but next to him,
i do.

if he were a color,
he’d be stars painted
against the deepest night sky.

i’ve never met a person
that wasn’t a flat shade,
but he is constellations.

he is so bold,
but his voice is soft,
and he holds me
like i am
in his arms.
i don’t know what to write here. that i miss you? that it’s not okay and i want your arms around me? i want the smell of you and your hands on my ears, tangled up in my hair. i want you sleeping and peaceful, fingers like butterfly wings on my spine.

i want your car, you and me and highways. i want the night pressed against us and the air thick with sufjan stevens and your voice.

i want your grandmother’s house and bumping hips in that tiny kitchen, your queen size bed and cool sheets, sprawling on the carpet in bare legs and baggy t-shirts, rug burn on the backs of my knees.

i want kissing in your parent’s half-finished basement, your mother asking my opinion of her hair and you shuffling awkwardly in the hallway. i want curling up with you on a tiny couch, half-listening to movies with dust on my feet.

i forgot how you smelled and it’s killing me.
i hate him for taking so much from me

he sucked the marrow from my bones because he was hungry

he drank my tears and sipped my blood like it was nectar and now

i’m left withered

a flower hanging limp

bent stem

i hate him for saying he loved me

and killing me instead
when we first talked again, i slept with your old shirt wrapped around a stuffed animal. i pretended the smell of you was still caught in the fibers of it, that holding something tangible in my arms would make me feel less empty.
I like to write and draw and cook and ache between your hands. I’m proud of the way I can make you moan in my ear. Your hands bridging the gap over the span of my hips makes me feel like infrastructure finally complete. With your rose petal lips fit between my own and your guitarist’s fingers strumming the chords of my spine, I am nothing more perfect. I don’t need to be, not with these hands touching me like I’m precious metal. If we were a color, it would be lavender.

But there are demons clawing inside me, scratching at my toenails and cackling in my belly. Worry bends me over backwards, gnaws at my bones and snacks on the marrow. I can’t sleep most nights, the smell of you and my bleeding heart hanging thick in the air.

What if I’m not enough?

What if the whole of me isn’t, in fact, whole?

I see so many girls here, beautiful girls who burn so bright. They’d be better for you, more talented, complex, intelligent, worthy. I’m just a tired girl with aching hands. I can only give the meat of my heart, thrusted towards you and oozing like jelly between my shaking fingers.

Please let this be good for you too.
  • Mood: Pride
  • Listening to: urban photograph - urban cone
  • Reading: love medicine - louise erdrich
  • Watching: pramface
a piece i wrote way back in december or something like that was mentioned as one of elite literature's picks for lit of the week!

beneath the sea, the chosen piece, is in my gallery. thanks to everyone who's read and faved :)


bangingonkeyboards's Profile Picture
Artist | Student | Literature
United States
college student, writer, feminist.

lover of words and souls.

disordered mind, full heart.

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SpiralingSpontaneity Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Happy birthday <3 (:
bangingonkeyboards Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Student Writer
Starry-Eyed-Writer Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Student Writer
Happy birthday :)
bangingonkeyboards Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Student Writer
emilyericson Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You have the same first AND middle name as my sister with the same spelling, and your birthdays are exactly one day apart. Hers is Nov. 7, 1994. Congrats on the DD!
bangingonkeyboards Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student Writer
Aha that's pretty cool! And thank you!
petrova Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist
Happy birthday! I hope you have the most wonderful day ever with lots of laughter, cake and fun :hug:
bangingonkeyboards Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Student Writer
aww thanks :)
petrova Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2012  Hobbyist
you have been featured here: [link]
feel free to favourite the feature :heart:
bangingonkeyboards Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2012  Student Writer
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