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Deviant for 3 Years
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i hate him for taking so much from me

he sucked the marrow from my bones because he was hungry

he drank my tears and sipped my blood like it was nectar and now

i’m left withered

a flower hanging limp

bent stem

i hate him for saying he loved me

and killing me instead
when we first talked again, i slept with your old shirt wrapped around a stuffed animal. i pretended the smell of you was still caught in the fibers of it, that holding something tangible in my arms would make me feel less empty.
I like to write and draw and cook and ache between your hands. I’m proud of the way I can make you moan in my ear. Your hands bridging the gap over the span of my hips makes me feel like infrastructure finally complete. With your rose petal lips fit between my own and your guitarist’s fingers strumming the chords of my spine, I am nothing more perfect. I don’t need to be, not with these hands touching me like I’m precious metal. If we were a color, it would be lavender.

But there are demons clawing inside me, scratching at my toenails and cackling in my belly. Worry bends me over backwards, gnaws at my bones and snacks on the marrow. I can’t sleep most nights, the smell of you and my bleeding heart hanging thick in the air.

What if I’m not enough?

What if the whole of me isn’t, in fact, whole?

I see so many girls here, beautiful girls who burn so bright. They’d be better for you, more talented, complex, intelligent, worthy. I’m just a tired girl with aching hands. I can only give the meat of my heart, thrusted towards you and oozing like jelly between my shaking fingers.

Please let this be good for you too.
you rolled over last night to cup me in the bowl of your arms

i know a lot about failing and a lot about falling

your breath sticks like smoke on my clothes.

our words hung thick like syrup in the air and i fucking hate syrup.

i am the light to your dark but we are both dark, darker than midnight with no moon.
life is stasis, isn’t it? we are caught always between where we want to be and where we are looking back to. it’s always too much, too little. you couldn’t hit the sweet spot if you tried.

if you go,

you will condemn us to no man’s land, walking the tightrope of indecision. onwards, onwards, into eternity.

if you go, my love.

we will never be done with each other. even if i don’t see you for a month, a year, fifty years - the rest of my life - we will never be done with each other. just as certain as i am of my heart in my chest, i know this.

you don’t have to feel it constantly beating to know something’s there.

if you go.

i am begging you not to.

i want it to be you, holding my hand onwards and onwards - a wedding, the birth of a child, the end of a life. it has been you and will always be you. i knew i loved you the first time i saw you, you with your wild hair and unfathomable eyes. you with the curve of your cheek and the bow of your mouth. your soft smile, curved nose. the tenderest mind i’ve ever found.

the way our hands fit together the first time you weaved your fingers through mine.

our first kiss, and i was gone for you.

and i wish you could be here right now, hear these words as i speak them to an empty car. they are disappearing like smoke, evaporating evaporating until i have nothing left.

i am crying as i drive and i wonder if anyone can see me. i am stranded, my heart a deserted island.

come drink coconut water and watch the mirages with me.

if you go, you’ll take a piece of me with you. i’ll have to stitch the gap closed with my mother’s dull needles and black thread.

if you go.

please don’t.

don’t go.
  • Mood: Pride
  • Listening to: urban photograph - urban cone
  • Reading: love medicine - louise erdrich
  • Watching: pramface
a piece i wrote way back in december or something like that was mentioned as one of elite literature's picks for lit of the week!

beneath the sea, the chosen piece, is in my gallery. thanks to everyone who's read and faved :)


bangingonkeyboards's Profile Picture
Artist | Student | Literature
United States
college student, writer, feminist.

lover of words and souls.

disordered mind, full heart.

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SpiralingSpontaneity Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Happy birthday <3 (:
bangingonkeyboards Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Student Writer
Starry-Eyed-Writer Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Student Writer
Happy birthday :)
bangingonkeyboards Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Student Writer
emilyericson Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You have the same first AND middle name as my sister with the same spelling, and your birthdays are exactly one day apart. Hers is Nov. 7, 1994. Congrats on the DD!
bangingonkeyboards Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student Writer
Aha that's pretty cool! And thank you!
petrova Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist
Happy birthday! I hope you have the most wonderful day ever with lots of laughter, cake and fun :hug:
bangingonkeyboards Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Student Writer
aww thanks :)
petrova Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2012  Hobbyist
you have been featured here: [link]
feel free to favourite the feature :heart:
bangingonkeyboards Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2012  Student Writer
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